Greetings, earthlings. I come as priest. Ha, I always wanted to say that! Before I get to anything else, I need to set something straight: we aliens are not little green men. We are VERY TALL green men! In fact, I don’t know how you humans get anything done with those stubby legs of yours. Parmanians have this problem, too. Actually, you all look suspiciously like Parmanians....
Let’s move on. Today I’d like to talk about something we Dezolisians know better than any other race in the universe: expressions of love. Passion. Fireworks. Finding that proverbial hot spot. Igniting the flames of...
Chaz: Okay, I think they get it now, Raja.
Raja: Oh, that’s right! I forgot to mention that I have one of Motavia’s happiest couples with me today: Chaz and Rika Ashley. Welcome and hello, you sickeningly adorable people, you.
Chaz: Hello, out there!
Rika: Hi!
Raja: Yeah, yeah. So you two are here because Rika has a related question. Go ahead, Rika. Ask a priest.
Rika: Thank you, Raja. Chaz and I have been together for four years now, and even though we love each other more with each passing day, things are getting a little, ah, routine in the bedroom. Why are we so bored with each other when our love has never been stronger? I don’t want us to get burned out! Chaz says we need to keep up the frequency, that it’s our duty to repopulate Motavia.
Chaz: Rika!
Raja: That’s the worst ploy for getting laid I’ve ever heard.
Rika: I told him that, too.
Chaz: Wait a sec! That’s not what I...
Raja: Rika, luckily for you, I know exactly how to fix your problem. It’s no wonder the Parmanian race is dying out. They waste their days working their dull, meaningless jobs...
Chaz: But I’m a hunter!
Raja: Let me finish. Then after their days of sitting around the office making silly pie charts for The Man...
Chaz: This is ridiculous.
Raja: ...they come home brain-dead and exhausted. So it’s not surprising that this numbness carries over into their love lives. Do you ever notice a vacant expression on Chaz’s face as he comes through the front door in the evening?
Rike: Um, actually, we get home at the same time. We greet each other at the door. He smiles, kisses me and asks if I want a foot rub.
Raja: Foot rub?! Oh, this is worse than I thought. Looks like we’re going to have to cut right to the demonstration.
Chaz: The what?
Raja: Well, you didn’t think I was holding this unlit torch the whole time for nothing, did you?
Chaz: I... thought it was a part of your passion/fire metaphor, maybe.
Raja: Psh, metaphor! Everything has to be symbolic with you people. Now, hold this torch.
Chaz: Uh, okay... I guess. You’re not going to light it, are you?
Raja: Me? No. Of course not. All right, Rika. Do you see that button on the side of the torch?
Rika: The red one that says “on”?
Raja: Yes. Now, I want you to...
Chaz: Don’t do it, Rika! Raja, you said you weren’t going to light this thing!
Raja: I’m not. That’s Rika’s job.
Rika: Uh... what does any of this have to do with my question?
Raja: I’m a priest. Trust me, for the sake of your marriage.
Chaz: Oh, all right. Rika, just light the... wow, okay, you pushed that button faster than I thought you would. Huh, so... fire. And I’m holding it. Now what?
Rika: Don’t swing that thing so close to my hair!
Raja: Yes. YES. The FIRE! Hold it toward Rika and the two of you gaze deeply at each other through the flame. Only then will you understand the true passion of the Dezolisian people. Go on, now.
Chaz: It’s really hard to see you, Rika.
Rika: Watch the hair!
Chaz: Are you waving your arms around?
Rika: Ahhh! Fire!
Raja: That’s it! I can feel Rika’s passion increase already!
Chaz: That’s not creepy at all.
Raja: Concentrate, Chaz!
Chaz: I’m worried about Rika!
Raja: Good! I see you feel Rika through the flame. Keep staring! Hold it closer--CLOSER--to her!
Chaz: Well, all right, but...
Rika: TOO CLOSE! AHHH!
Chaz: Rika? If you sit still, maybe... whoa, your cape almost touched the flame.
Rika: GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME!
Chaz: Hey, you’re going to knock the torch out of my... OH SHIT LOOK OUT!
Raja: Airborne torch! I’ll catch it!
Rika: It’s going to land in my hair! NOOO!
Raja: Got it! Rika, don’t bat it toward... oops...
Rika: Oh, Chaz, I’m so sorry!
Chaz: AHHH, my sideburns! They’re on fire!
Raja: Haha, sideBURNS, huh?
Rika: Chaz! I’ll put them out!
Chaz: Ow, OW, stop hitting my ears, Rika! Are they out yet? Do I look okay?
Rika: Chaz, I... oh my... we need to get you home NOW. We’re leaving!
Chaz: What do you mean? It’s bad, isn’t it? I need a mirror!
Rika: Goodbye, Raja!
Raja: That’s the ticket! Motavia hasn’t seen this much excitement since Hahn tried eradicating Krup's rappy infestation in 2287 with his “special” technique. Now go and make beautiful babies! Well, as beautiful as non-Dezolisian babies can be, anyway. You’ll thank me later about the sideburns, Chaz.
And there you have it, humans: the reason why Dezolisians don’t have hair. Er, I mean, the way to rekindle your love life. If you, too, would like your very own pleasure-enhancing, mini-eclipse torch, send $19.99 + $1,500,000,000,000.00 intergalactic shipping and handling to His Excellency Su Raja, 213 Guaron Way, Ryuon, Dezoris, 17121993, Algol Star System, Star Cluster 87... oh, just go to Houston’s Space Center and ask for me by name. Be sure to include the “highly virtuous and wonderful” part.
Su Raja is a highly virtuous and wonderful priest that hails from southwestern Dezolis. While his temple is undergoing major reconstruction (and because his superiors at Gumbious Temple are, um, enthusiastic about assigning him abroad), he has offered to lend his sage advice to the good citizens of Earth. Have a burning question for Raja? You may email him directly at itsrainingmachines@gmail.com.
“Ask A Priest!” logo designed by Daniel Olsén. http://danielolsens.daportfolio.com/
