Hello once again, citizens of Earth. Your favorite holy man in all of Andromeda is back to answer another of life's pressing dilemmas. Shall we get to today's letter? We shall!
Dear Raja,
I have a problem with Maruera Leaves. It's known that they produce large quantities of oxygen when chewed, but I've taken it a step further and have begun smoking them. I don't think I can stop, and it's become a spiraling addiction. I've lost many friends and my family no longer associates with me, but I haven't gotten rid of that Motavian who digs through my trash. He's the only one who sticks around, and that's probably because he's smoking the stuff, too.
Can you help me?
-The Kueri Kid
Well, Mr./Ms. Kid, my advice would be to spend time at the temple, meditating on a heated rock next to the sacred flame, increasing this time incrementally by the week until you are only away from the temple for meals. How can you hold on to an addiction when you're always meditating? However, I'm told by some of your human authorities that this is not a practical solution for your kind. Something about risking extremes in body temperature, yadda yadda. Therefore, I've sought the wisdom of a two-thousand year-old musk cat with wings to help solve your problem.
What? He's warm-blooded, at least! *ahem* I will now turn the column over to my guru guest with an impressive shuttlecock: Old Man from Myst Vale.
Old Man: Thanks, preacher man. You're pretty hep for a religious dude, you know that?
Raja: I try.
Old Man: Groovy, but man, let's go easy with the "shuttlecock" biz from now on. I don't want to give the ladies the wrong idea.
So, Kid, I hear you've discovered some of the many far out uses for maruera leaves, to which I say: right on! Welcome to the world of enlightenment, man. It's going to be a magical journey, so strap in and don't forget your towel.
I know, you're probably thinking, "Dude, I can't believe that cat would tell me smoking maruera is all right. He's trippin'!" See, this is exactly the kind of close-minded attitude that's kept your family from understanding the new and improved you. I didn't sprout wings or cheat death on just any ol' diet and exercise regimen, after all. But let's take this one step at a time, cool?
So, Kid, I hear you've discovered some of the many far out uses for maruera leaves, to which I say: right on! Welcome to the world of enlightenment, man. It's going to be a magical journey, so strap in and don't forget your towel.
I know, you're probably thinking, "Dude, I can't believe that cat would tell me smoking maruera is all right. He's trippin'!" See, this is exactly the kind of close-minded attitude that's kept your family from understanding the new and improved you. I didn't sprout wings or cheat death on just any ol' diet and exercise regimen, after all. But let's take this one step at a time, cool?
First, if you haven't already, you gotta get yourself a nice laconian pot. Your stash will keep longer in the pot, or at least that's what I'm told. I haven't ever kept mine long enough to find out, but don't let that stop you from getting one of your own. If for no other reason, at least you'll have a bitchin' way to store your leaves. Just don't get your pot from that cheat in Paseo. Dude deals in animal trade. Totally not cool.
Second, your family and friends are a drag, man. If they don't dig it, cut 'em out. Besides, it sounds like this Motavian hanging around your pad could be a real cousin, ya know? There's a lot to like about Motavians; I mean, look at how great they are at recycling! Get tight with your Motavian pal, and he may give you rides in his jet scooter or bring you cake. It's all about expanding your experience!
Last, quit buggin' out about how much you toke. Yeah, I know it's scary at first. When I had my first laerma nut, all of a sudden I grew wings, flew to a giant floating castle, and slew a dragon along the way. Heavy stuff, man! I'm telling you, it gets easier. If you just chill and enjoy yourself, who knows what may come your way? I'm the chief of Myst Vale. You could, like, have your own tribe of Motavians. You could be the chief of Roron! Outta sight, Kid!
Raja: Wait, are you suggesting that drug addiction leads to an empire of trash?
Old Man: I like to think of it as an empire of unlimited possibilities, actually. Plus, you don't need to take a drug test to work at the junkyard.
Raja: Take a stoner and find them friends and employment? I can't argue with that.
Well, thank you for stopping by, Old Man. I'm sure you need to flee, fly, flail, all the way back to Myst Vale, but how about drinks later at Gyuna's?
Well, thank you for stopping by, Old Man. I'm sure you need to flee, fly, flail, all the way back to Myst Vale, but how about drinks later at Gyuna's?
Old Man: You bet, Space Pope.
Su Raja is a highly virtuous and wonderful priest that hails from southwestern Dezolis. While his temple is undergoing major reconstruction (and because his superiors at Gumbious Temple are, um, enthusiastic about assigning him abroad), he has offered to lend his sage advice to the good citizens of Earth. At the end of your joint and seeking Raja? You may email him directly at itsrainingmachines@gmail.com.
“Ask A Priest!” logo designed by Daniel Olsén. http://danielolsens.daportfolio.com/
A huge "Thanks!" to Heather for helping with this week's entry.
